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... the science of peace |
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The instinct for survival is innate in human beings. Producing children
is the expression of one urge of this instinct, for a child seems like
an extension of one's own personality, and a guarantee of the
continuance of the same life-force. The primary origin of the urge to
found families is sought by many thinkers in this instinct for survival.
The need to feed and support a family incites a man to industrial
productivity.
Other thinkers hold that the primary urge towards family-founding was
merely the sex instinct; others favour the gregarious instinct; others
regard wedlock as a mere commercial transaction between families entered
into for the profit of both.
In fact, communal living in society requires families as its units of
construction. To degrade the pure love between husband and wife merely
to sex, profit or protection, is to deny human nature at its highest.
Some say that, since in the inchoate days of human living the woman as a
weaker being could not exist except under a man's protection, family
life is merely a feminine institution imposed on man. This is manifest
nonsense: for it ignores a man's need of woman, which may be different
from woman's need of man, but is just as deeply and inextricably a part
of his nature. True, man has to be the breadwinner in most cases. But he
needs his mate as a partner in happiness, in joy and in sound living. In
marriage is the end of loneliness. Each sex needs the other. This is why
" He made them male and female ."
God implanted the sex instinct. God created sex differences. He created
the survival instinct, the security instinct and the society instinct of
gregariousness. All these were part of His providence in preparing
mankind to be His joyful family Sociologists give each instinct its due
weight in the scheme. They say that the exact role of each instinct
varies with the changes in social structure. In primitive society the
need to find food and housing is of primary importance. In the ancient
agricultural community the need for children became paramount since many
hands make light work. Today the sex urge has come very much to the
fore, since humanity has devised means to achieve adequate food,
satisfactory housing and machines to do the work. But over and above the
instincts, the urge to love and the need to be loved are amongst the
highest attributes of human nature.
Islam answers the call of nature affirmatively, with its insistence on
the family as the best safeguard of public virtue, and its asseveration
that it is the only right and legitimate way. It is written in the Sura
XVI: Nahl-
"The Bee" verse 72: "God has made mates for you of your own nature and
made for you of them children and grandchildren and posterity, and
provided for you sustenance of the best. Are they then going to believe
in vain things and not be grateful for God's favours?"
Islam sets out to protect young people from being led astray by the
strength of the God-implanted sexual urge in the years before their
character and conscience have matured and their will is governed by
discretion. That is why it lays on parents the responsibility of I
admonishing youth, and of imparting rules of. life and guidelines of
prudence which will lead to godliness and the natural use of the power
of procreation. It also holds parents responsible for arranging early I
marriages for those who are mature enough to wed. Young people not yet I
economically capable of supporting a family may find the thrust of the
sex urge so strong that, without the guiding hand of their parents on
the 1 reins, the horses of nature may run away with them and carry them
into danger or into the trap of illicit sex. Parents must steer the
life-force into I its God-given legitimate channels where peace of mind
and calm of conscience accompany the happiness of a shared life.
The Prophet is reported to have preached thus from the pulpit of the
mosque: "O Muslim community! Your daughters are like ripe fruit on a
tree. Fruit must be picked at its optimum moment; otherwise the sun or
other agencies will rot or spoil it. You must likewise give your
daughters in marriage at the moment when they are ripe, and neither
later nor sooner. If you leave them hanging about too long, their
inevitable , corruption will be your fault. They are human, and their
human needs must be met."
Ali bin Asbat wrote a reply to a letter which he had received from the
5th Imam, thus: "I find no young men who are suitable and fitted to be
husbands for my daughters. What then is my duty?" In answer the Imam
wrote: "Do not wait until you find young men who are exactly to your
liking in all respects. For our Holy Prophet said: 'If you do not find
young people to wed your daughters who correspond with your personal
desires, have regard only to their character, especially their morals
and their religion, and let the qualifications you require in husbands
for your daughters be faith and morals alone, since with these a young
man makes a satisfactory husband; and if you choose someone without
these qualifications you are personally responsible for misleading and
perverting your young people."
Thus Islam not only does not put obstacles in the way of matrimony, but
turns this force of nature to the advantage of society and of the
individual for his physical wellbeing, mental health, calm of spirit and
contentment of heart. Islam regards marriage as a sacred union of
hearts, a source of serenity and security for both partners. To fulfil
this function it needs the qualities of purity, loving-kindness,
humanity, gentleness, goodness and faith in the depths of the heart. As
it is written in Sura XXX:
"Rome" verse 21: " Amongst God's signs for you is this, that He created
mates for you from among yourselves for you to dwell with in
tranquillity. It is He who put love and compassion between you. Verily
in these are signs for those who reflect."
Islam lays down clear rules to govern the relationships within the
family. Sura IV Nisa'a -
"The Women" calls marriage "the firm bond" and is concerned throughout
the first 42 verses with the practical details of the contract of
marriage and its fulfillment.
The sense of belonging together is nourished. Fairness governs the share
each partner gives and takes in the compact. Each gives according to
their ability and each takes according to their need. As Sura 11: Baqara
-"The Heifer" affirms in verse 228
: "Wife and husband, women and men, have reciprocal and commensurable
rights according to what is equitable."
Islam pays the closest and most meticulous attention to the capacities
of each sex with regard to their occupation, profession and work. The
man has the duty of being the breadwinner and providing for material
needs and the production of things. The woman is the housekeeper with
the duty of providing for the family's needs and for the production of
new people, for nursing the new generation and caring for the upbringing
of posterity. Islam recognises the natural consequences of the way a
woman is made, and will not allow her to be demeaned or degraded in any
way; but preserves her from the wickedness of those who would lead her
astray into corruption, and confers upon her a dignity, both at home and
out of doors, which is worthy of her calling. It is of course possible
that in an emergency a woman may be called to undertake tasks outside
her home. But Islam seeks to avoid the kind of contacts between the
sexes in the course of their employment which could turn fellowship into
familiarity and comradeship into concupiscence. Therefore women must not
dress in a provocative or enticing fashion nor titillate men's sexual
lusts so that the madness which leads to promiscuity of intercourse is
aroused.
Like any other institution, the family and its home needs a responsible
head. Without a firm hand at the helm a family can drift in confusion.
Either the wife or the husband must therefore take the lead, and nature
shows that in general it is more fitting for the man to steer, even if
in exceptional cases the woman must take command.
The man, in accepting the responsibility of the household, its
livelihood, its wellbeing, its children and their care, merits the
authority of a head, because his greater strength, perseverance and
endurance make him more fitted than the woman to carry the heavy burden
of safeguarding the family from collapse and confusion. Further, woman
is a creature of emotion, and quicker to be swayed by feelings. Woman is
more ruled by her heart and man more by his head. So Islam gives the
prime responsibility to the person of reason, precisely as Article 213
of the most recent constitution of France does. At the same time, Islam
lays down that teamwork, partnership, consultation and joint planning
are to be the rule. The man is on no account to be left free to pursue
his self-willed desires regardless. He must definitely never tyrannise
over his wife or abuse or bully her. It is written in Sura IV Nisa'a
-"The Women'. verse 19:
"Believers! You may not take over a brother's widow without her consent.
You may not treat your wives harshly. You may not goad wife into suing
you for a khula' (divorce) by which she has to a part of the dower which
you gave her - save only if she be guilty of forfeit lewd conduct. Nay!
live with your wives in kindness and equity. Should you dislike them for
something, that very thing may be a point through which God will bring
much blessing."
The husband, in shouldering the burden of external affairs for the
support of the family has full control of everything relevant to his
task. But inside the walls Of the home the wife is in full control, and
hers is the duty of arranging the details of daily living, the
disposition of the household effects and the upbringing of the children.
The Prophet said: "The man is the breadwinner responsible for the
family, while the wife has the responsibility for the house and for her
husband and for the children.-' (Majmoo'é wa ram p.6/ Collections and
Remains.)
Modern disrespect for the bond of marriage is due to the negligence of
this high conception of wedlock. Instead it has been degraded by a mass
of petty dreams and twisted imaginations. Men's thinking about marriage
was in ruins before their families began to fall apart. Too many have
entered on the married state without a thought for the importance of
harmony of mind and spirit between man and wife. Fortune hunters,
Casanovas, women-chasers prizing a pretty face above all else, have
pushed the spiritual values out of sight and trodden their own best
interests underfoot.
The prevalence of such badly founded families forebodes a tragic future.
The deep incompatibility of thought between man and wife sets them as
far apart as the poles. The gap between them gapes wider daily.
Contentment and peace of heart flee from them. They get on each other's
nerves. The harmony which ethical values, unselfishness and human
affection bring, as both sides do all they can to strengthen the
spiritual life of each other, departs. A family must be founded firmly
on due consideration of the environmental conditions, the proper setting
for the wife, and the compatibility of the partners' ways of thinking
and of their moral standards. Marriage must be thought of as holy and
basic. Only from this correct viewpoint can the inevitable difficulties
of living together be satisfactorily settled.
Islam has paid due attention to all the deleterious consequences of
wrongly based marriage, its divisions and unhappiness. It therefore
founds the family not on fortune or passion or outward beauty or any
material things, but on faith and virtue, and chastity and purity and
spiritual qualities and affections, and piety both in the man and ID the
woman.
The Prophet is reported to have said:
"Whosoever takes a wife merely because of her beauty will never find
what he sought in her. Whose takes a wife solely for her fortune, the
Lord will abandon him. Seek therefore a wife whose beauty is that of
faith and whose fortune is purity of living." (Vassa'el, Vol. 3, p.6.)
In the book "Man la yahdhur" (p.209), "There is no institution more
beloved than marriage" is stated as Islam's policy for matrimony.
Persons who seek to avoid founding a family on unreasonable or false
grounds are sternly rebuked, and condemned for every form of pretext to
which they resort for perverting the God-given force of sex from its
proper use. In the book "Safeene al-Bahar" (Vol. 1, p.561), we read:
"Wedlock and matrimony belong to my religion. Whosoever protests against
this way of life excludes himself from my religion and is not one of
mine." Similarly Islam is against the wedding of people who lack the
qualities of personality and the excellences of spirit which are
required: and against wedding into families which do not profit from
religious upbringing in moral standards. As is written in the "Vassa'el"
- chapter 7 of the .'Book of Wedlock" "the Prophet in a sermon said:
Avoid beautiful plants and flowers which grow by the side of filthy and
polluted waters.' The Prophet was asked: 'O Prophet of Allah! what is a
plant by a stagnant pool?' He replied: A beautiful woman brought up in a
perverse family that has not known the restraints of instruction'."
It is natural that consorts who are not brought up on absolute moral
standards and religious laws can never be sure of true family happiness
and blessedness. The fruit of such marriages can only be delinquent
children, rough, violent, without serenity or security of spirit.
Therefore Islam, to ensure the happiness of both parties, lays
particular stress on matters of morals and of mentality. It is to guard
against the production of a generation that is corrupt and perverted
that Islam seeks to avoid matrimony with members of families that are
polluted and degraded.
If young people, at the moment when they have to choose their life's
partner, would do so in accordance with Islamic rules and regulations
instead of only looking at externals, and weigh the realities which are
vital to happiness, setting aside false thinking inspired by polluted
passions that so swiftly pass, there is no doubt that the unhappiness
and family disasters brought on family life by the devotees of sexual
freedom and permissiveness would all very rapidly disappear into thin
air. Yet some of today's youth have been taught that a trial-marriage,
to see if a couple suit each other in intercourse, is the right way and
the ideal preparation for happy life-partnership. How can they think
that a brief experience of a fleeting pleasure of two bodies can plumb
the depths of the spiritual qualities, mental abilities, moral gifts and
personality-traits of another soul? To expect to found an eternal
relationship on a few moments of pleasure is a nonsensical piece of
illogic. That should be enough to condemn it out of hand, quite apart
from all the moral and spiritual damage which such temporary liaisons
cannot fail to cause. The inner qualities of a personality only appear
in a long period of a shared life. It is the ever-changing scene and
stage of their living together which reveals the truth of two partners'
inward nature to each other. Patience, forbearance, equanimity,
steadiness, contentment, selflessness, self-sacrifice are discovered
when life's pressures crowd in on the soul. How can brief moments of
rest and fun and trips a deux penetrate to the deep ethical
characteristics? Can a visit to the cinema or some other place of
entertainment reveal their true selves to a couple? Indeed, in
trial-marriages both partners try to conceal their bad sides and put on
a good mask to fool each other.
Can a young man in the heat of passion make a decision which is the most
fateful of his life? Can a trial-marriage ensure that there is no
difference in spirit and no weak point in their relationship? And how
can a young person ruled by the conditions of his years when the
inclination to satisfy sexual instincts is so strong. weigh the
essential conditions for a sound marriage dispassionately and
detachedly? How can he be sure that quarrels and differences will not
arise in the future?
It is for this reason that Islam recommends that, before the final
signing of a marriage contract, the young people should meet each other
and talk; but also, and far more important, they should get an
assessment of their proposed partner's character and tastes and traits
and capacities from independent observers who are able to judge from
long acquaintance.
Or, since the family happiness depends in the first place on the
equality of the relations between man and wife in their shared life, the
firmer the spiritual and ethical bonds the surer the happiness of the
household and the greater its ability to stand the shocks of life in
selfless self-sacrifice and union. This is why the Prophet said. ."'Best
of my people is the man who shows his family not harshness but perfect
kindness and goodness." (Moral Excellence. p.247 "Makarem-ul-Akhlaq".)
And again ("Man la yahdhur" p.625): "Best amongst you is he who treats
his family well: and I am kindest of all to my own family." Similarly
the wife should treat her husband with kindness, and this is called her
."Sacred Jehad" (Tafseer-ad-Dorr al-manthoor ."Gems of Wisdom").
One of the sad obstacles to early marriages today is the difficulty
which finance poses for young people. Provision of the marriage portion,
expensive ceremonies, the high cost of houses, and a dozen other
extravagant charges are too much for the average youth. Islam insists ,
that the state should take steps to enable these difficulties to be
overcome in the interests of the institution of matrimony. The book
"Gems of Wisdom" reports the Prophet of Islam as saying: "It is an
auspicious and beneficent act that the bride's family should make their
demands for dowry and terms of the marriage contract mild and lenient."
Excessive demands may reveal not only that the bride's family but
possibly also the bride herself is grasping and hard. The chapter on
marriage portions in the book '"Vassa'el" tells the following story. One
day the Apostle of God was seated with the assembly of his companions
when a young woman rushed in and after the customary courteous
salutations said: "O Apostle of God I want a young husband." The Prophet
turned to all those present and asked: "Has anyone an inclination to
take this woman to wife?" One man said he was willing. I The Prophet
asked what dowry he would give. He replied: "I have nothing I can give."
So the Prophet said. "No!" The woman returned on a later occasion and
requested to be married. No one replied. Finally the same young man who
had no fortune or property at his disposition made a sign, and the
Prophet addressed him thus: "Do you know the Qur'an?" He said: "Sure!"
The gracious Apostle then decreed: "I will marry you to this woman at
the price of the dowry which will consist in your teaching her a portion
of the Qur'an every day."
Islam therefore refuses to recognise that financial difficulties may put
obstacles in the way of young people's matrimony. It allows indigent and
needy persons to found families by law. Islam regards fear of poverty
and of involvement as false excuses for avoiding the divine law of life
in wedlock, and says that Providence knows a family's needs and will not
let them fall into deprivation.
It is written in Sura XXIV: Nur-"Light", verse 32: "Provide the means by
which worthy and fitting persons who have no spouse may marry. If they
are poor and indigent God out of His gracious care will supply their
needs."
Of course hard work and industry is the way in which a man should supply
his needs. When a man undertakes the responsibilities of matrimony, in
order to make both ends meet he must increase his activities and his
hard work. This is one of the functions of marriage in raising the
standard of living for the whole of society.
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